Very Old and Very Cranky

Dear Yak,

I’ve just celebrated my 100th birthday. The nursing home went to town with it, as it was the first time one of their residents reached triple digits. They threw a big party and even invited the local media.

A news reporter asked me what’s the most valuable thing I’ve learned in 100 years. I replied clearly into the microphone; “That no-one listens and no-one cares.” The words were barely out of my mouth when my two irritating daughters swooped in and answered “on my behalf” with something lame like “a smile costs nothing and can brighten a stranger’s day” . (I hate strangers!)

The story in the newspaper was titled ‘100 years of smiles’. I was furious. My real answer had been completely overlooked. Why are old people treated like this? Even on the rare occasions we’re the centre of attention we’re still basically invisible. It makes me want to slap someone.

Yours sincerely,

Takes the Cake

Dear Cake,

Did you know that the proper name for a group of old people is a ‘flump’?

For example: “The room was empty except for a big birthday cake and a flump of old people.”

But personally, I’ve found that whenever I smile at strangers it tends to freak them out. Maybe it’s the horns.

Hope this helps.

With kind regards,

The Yak