I hold a VERY senior position in state government, so for the purposes of your column must remain anonymous.
My government has always been interested in appearing to care about the community. We allocate a generous amount of the budget to awards for citizens who do good deeds (especially if there’s an economic benefit).
In fact, we even have a special award that’s just for dogs – the Canine Award For Outstanding Community Service (CAFOCS). We decided a few years ago that this particular award would be a regular occurrence, with a quota of one dog every six months. This always gets us a lot of positive media coverage (although one time, because of a clerical error, we had to give it to a frog).
The next recipient of the CAFOCS is a very brave dog who rescued some toddlers from a burning day care centre, or something. However, it has been brought to my attention that the dog’s name is ‘Scrotum’. Further, I note that my speechwriter has referred to the dog by its name no less than 27 times in a three and a half minute speech.
I’m concerned that media outlets covering the presentation ceremony will be distracted by the dog’s name, which will draw attention away from my government’s good work and also place myself in a publicly embarrassing situation. I therefore seek your counsel on how to proceed with the ceremony as discretely as possible and to minimise any damaging media attention.
As the ceremony is tomorrow, I would appreciate your advice by no later than 4pm today.
With warmest regards,
Dear Speech Impediment,
Exactly when and where is this presentation ceremony? Because I want to be there. To live stream it.
With kind regards,