Dear Yak,

To stop the spread of COVID-19, it’s now mandatory in my city to wear face masks whenever you’re in public.

To save money, I decided to use my own face covering instead (this is allowed, as long as your mouth and nose are covered). So I dug out my old Iron Maiden balaclava (a memento of my youth) and wore it to the bank.

Oh Yak, all Hell broke loose. I was tackled and pinned to the floor by two security guards (at least they hand-sanitised first). It was a very unpleasant, undignified experience. And this is a bank that prides itself on its quality customer service! I wasn’t impressed. Should I switch banks?

Yours sincerely,

Service with a Smile

Dear Service with a Smile,

To be honest, I don’t think switching banks will make any difference. They’re all as bad as each other.

The first (and only) time I ever went to the bank was a very unpleasant, undignified experience too. They threw a net over me, injected me with fucking TRANQUILLISER and bundled me onto the next flight back to Nepal! (Economy!) I wasn’t impressed.

Keep your money under the mattress.

With kind regards,

The Yak

Dear Yak,

I’m getting married in two weeks time. I love my fiancee dearly, but he’s from a very religious family. They’ve insisted on a traditional Christian wedding ceremony with all the sexist trappings. (Meanwhile MY only religion is online shopping, lol.)

To keep the peace, I’m going along with most of it. I’ve agreed to be “given away” by my Dad (passed from one man to another like a piece of property). And even the whole white wedding dress and lifting of the veil thing. But I’m drawing the line at saying I’ll “love, honour and OBEY” my husband. I mean, what is this – the 1950s?

Unfortunately everyone involved is outraged at my “militant feminism”. My soon-to-be mother-in-law has even hinted that I’m destined for Hell for not knowing my place. What can I do, Yak?

Yours in desperation,

Aisle Be Damned

Dear Aisle Be Damned,

Simple. Just say “love, honour and eBay” instead. No-one will notice the difference. Especially if you mumble it a bit. And you know the best part? You’ll be bringing online shopping right into the middle of your wedding vows. Where it belongs. You’ll be able to milk it forever.

You’re welcome.

The Yak

Dear Yak,

Recently a very handsome man started working at my office. I noticed pretty quickly that he was giving me the eye. Even though I’m happily married, I started flirting with him in return.

Oh Yak, one thing just led to another. Subtle caresses by the photocopier; rude doodles in boring meetings; one night when we were both working late, we even had sex in the elevator!

But another colleague has found out about the affair and now he’s threatening to expose both of us if we don’t pay him $500!!!!!

Help! I’ve never been blackmailed before! I’m really desperate! What should I do?

Yours sincerely,

Workplace Relations

Dear Workplace Relations,

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Hope this helps.

With kind regards,

The Yak