Dear Yak,

I’m a respectable mother, grandmother and tax-paying pillar of society. But yesterday at the supermarket when I was panic-buying toilet paper, I accidentally bit a woman’s finger off.

In my defence, it was her own fault. She was reaching for the very last jumbo pack of premium, 4-ply, rose-scented, soft, strong and very, very long, but it was mine because I saw it first.

Luckily the plastic wrapping protected the product from her spurting blood. But when I got home I noticed some bloodstains on my brand new cashmere cardigan. Should I send her the bill for the dry cleaning? It seems only fair.

Yours most sincerely,

Oh Crap!

Dear Oh Crap!,

I have to say I’m really enjoying this whole toilet paper crisis. And it seems so fitting that this humble but essential personal hygiene accessory is grabbing global headlines right now. After all, it serves as a great metaphor: life is like a sheet of toilet paper – you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some arsehole.

Hope this helps.

With kind regards,

The Yak

Dear Yak,

My new Manager at work is one of those annoying people who always uses unnecessary big words. He also loves “management speak” especially the worst, most irritating phrases of all.

Like in his very first address to us. He was banging on about making unpopular decisions that benefit the company and he actually said “sometimes you have to punch a puppy to get the best results”.

“Punch a puppy”? Seriously? If anyone tried to punch my darling little pug, I’d punch them right back. Hard. Where do these awful phrases come from? And why do morons like my Manager keep using them?

Yours sincerely,

Puppy Love

Dear Puppy Love,

I’m sorry, but some puppies SHOULD be punched. Especially the really cute, innocent looking ones. But you don’t have to worry, because this rules out pugs. (Which is ironic, since they already look like they HAVE been punched. Hard.) But I digress.

It’s true that some of these popular phrases are highly questionable. Why are the same animals always getting all the attention? Why are only puppies punched? Why are only horses flogged? Why are only sharks jumped? You raise some valid points.

I can see we’re singing from the same hymn sheet. I’ll ring it up the flagpole then cascade the relevant information in a thought shower. Then we can peel the onion and hopefully create some operational efficiencies.

And yes, I also detest people who use long words just to make themselves look perspicacious. It really gets my goat.

Hope this helps.

With kind regards,

The Yak

Dear Yak,

Yesterday when I was having lunch in the food court, I noticed one of my best friends sitting three tables away. As she hadn’t seen me, I thought it’d be fun to ring her and pretend I was somewhere else, and see how long it took her to realise I was sitting directly opposite.

But when her phone rang, she took one look at my caller ID, made a grimace and put the phone back in her bag!

How could she do this to me? I thought she was my friend! But now I know what she really thinks of me, I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Yours sincerely,

Object of Her Rejection

Dear Object,

You’re not alone. You’ve just discovered what every other socially inept person has, or will, realise. Life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks.

Hope this helps.

With kind regards,

The Yak