Dear Yak,

I’m in a middle management position at work and I’ve been trying to get my team really inspired and motivated. The trouble is, they’re all depressed, exhausted and convinced that life is one big fecal sandwich. Got any ideas as to how I can snap them out of it?

Yours sincerely,

Up Where We Belong

Dear Up Where We Belong,

I was going to say something powerful and inspiring about motivation, but I couldn’t be bothered.

Here’s a thought – maybe your staff are right and you’re the delusional one who needs to snap out of it. Perhaps you could stick a motivational poster on the wall that says “Life: it’s depressing, exhausting and one big fecal sandwich.” I’m sure they’d appreciate the honesty.

Personally, I think motivation is overrated, anyway. Remember, every frozen corpse on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Hope this helps.

With kind regards,

The Yak

Dear Yak,

I’m famous on YouTube for lighting my farts. But the other day I gave my brother third degree burns because he got too close.

Mum’s blaming it all on me, but that’s totally not fair! It was my stupid brother’s fault coz he’d been drinking beer all afternoon which made him more flammable. Plus he could hardly walk straight. He shouldn’ta got in the way.

I’m right, aren’t I, Yak?

From,

Natural Gas

Dear Natural Gas,

I’ve considered your question very carefully. And everything you’ve just told me only confirms what I’ve thought for a long time – that some humans should eat their young.

Hope this helps.

With kinds regards,

The Yak

Dear Yak,

I recently bought a pair of trained parrots on Gumnut for my wife’s birthday. A pair of beautiful African Greys. I got them pretty cheap because the owner was moving overseas.

The trouble is, they say some really filthy, disgusting things (way too foul even to repeat in your column, Yak). We can’t really have guests any more. What can we do to “untrain” them?

Yours sincerely,

From The Mouths of Birds

Dear FTMOB,

Firstly, thank you for your kind comments about my column. I do try to keep things in the gutter, so it’s always nice when someone notices.

Regarding your birds – yes I know all about birds saying offensive and inappropriate things. I once owned a parrot that said “Vote Liberal”. As you can imagine, as a respecter of nature and life, this was absolutely mortifying for me. So I made a lovely parrot casserole. That shut it up. I can send you the recipe. And the feathers can be used for decorative purposes so nothing is wasted.

Hope this helps.

With kinds regards,

The Yak