Dear Yak,

Recently a very handsome man started working at my office. I noticed pretty quickly that he was giving me the eye. Even though I’m happily married, I started flirting with him in return.

Oh Yak, one thing just led to another. Subtle caresses by the photocopier; rude doodles in boring meetings; one night when we were both working late, we even had sex in the elevator!

But another colleague has found out about the affair and now he’s threatening to expose both of us if we don’t pay him $500!!!!!

Help! I’ve never been blackmailed before! I’m really desperate! What should I do?

Yours sincerely,

Workplace Relations

Dear Workplace Relations,

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Hope this helps.

With kind regards,

The Yak

Yo Dude,

I took this guurll out on a date, see? She was the bomb. We’s hung out at the mall then went back to my place. But she didn’t stay. She said muh apartment smelled like waste n underachievement.

At first I thought she was coming on ta me, you know. But now I’m confused. Maybe she done think I’m good enough?

Dat gots me ta thinkin`, yo. I want to, like, be a bettah man, and raise my standards and all, so I can date bettah beotches, ya dig? What can I do?

Peep this shit and swag me out!

*fist bump*

Yo Playa,

I feel your pain, brah. You clearly wants to evolve and shit, to turn yo life around. Yo’ like a blob of ectoplasm yearning to be a mo’ sophisticated organism – one dat has a backbone and a complete digestive system. Ya’ dig?

But back ta yo’ question. Sometimes da bomb way to raise yo’ standards is ta lower dem first. Maybe dat’s what yo’ guurll was doin’.

*hoof bump*

Dear Yak,

My new Manager at work is one of those annoying people who always uses unnecessary big words. He also loves “management speak” especially the worst, most irritating phrases of all.

Like in his very first address to us. He was banging on about making unpopular decisions that benefit the company and he actually said “sometimes you have to punch a puppy to get the best results”.

“Punch a puppy”? Seriously? If anyone tried to punch my darling little pug, I’d punch them right back. Hard. Where do these awful phrases come from? And why do morons like my Manager keep using them?

Yours sincerely,

Puppy Love

Dear Puppy Love,

It’s true that some of these popular phrases are highly questionable. Why are the same animals always getting all the attention? Why are only puppies punched? Why are only horses flogged? Why are only sharks jumped? You raise some valid points.

I can see we’re singing from the same hymn sheet. I’ll ring it up the flagpole then cascade the relevant information in a thought shower. Then we can peel the onion and hopefully create some operational efficiencies.

And yes, I also detest people who use long words just to make themselves look perspicacious. It really gets my goat.

Hope this helps.

With kind regards,

The Yak