Dear Yak,

I’m a really popular, hot male contestant from a really successful reality TV show. The other day I was in this shop and there was this cool diver’s watch, Cartier stainless steel with alligator strap. It would’ve looked really badass on me. But the shopkeeper wouldn’t let me have it for free! In fact, he didn’t even know who I was! He treated me like a common criminal!

Omg, what’s the point of going on a reality TV show in the first place if you can’t get free shit for the rest of your life?

Yours sincerely,

Reality Bites

Dear Reality Bites,

I love reality TV. I love everything about it – the scripted conversations, the manipulated storylines, the phoney dramas, the fake back stories, the bad acting, the vacant looks. If God is watching us, we might as well be entertaining.

Of course you’re entitled to free shit. Shopkeepers should know who you are and be damn grateful you’re in their shop at all. Keep trying. This is your right.

Btw, have you ever noticed that omg looks like the front-on view of someone’s fist? If not, I’m sure you will soon.

Hope this helps.

With kind regards,

The Yak

Dear Yak,

I’m an ordinary bloke in my 40s. I’ve done all the right things, but for some reason my life’s gone pear-shaped. I’ve got marital problems, a rumbling prostate and my friends have all turned into idiots. Just simple contentment seems like an unattainable goal.

But when I explain all of this to my best mate, he sprouts some new agey shit about always keeping a positive attitude. This just makes me want to spit beer in his face.

Sincerely,

What Have I Done to Deserve This?

Dear WHIDTDT,

Contentment isn’t a destination, it’s a way of travelling. So maybe you should just swallow your pride, and your beer. Your mate has a point. A positive attitude won’t solve any of your problems, but at least it will annoy enough people along the way to make it worth the effort.

But to be honest, your question bores me. I’ve got a feeling I’ve heard this bull before. Or, as I like to call it, deja moo.

Hope this helps.

With kind regards,

The Yak

Dear Yak,

Last week our workplace had its annual ‘Bring Your Dog to Work’ day, which is supposed to lift morale. I dressed my Scottish Terrier specially for the occasion – a classic red tartan with oversized buttons. He looked so adorable in it.

Unfortunately my boss just happened to have the very same outfit and she wore it on the very same day! It was sooooo awkward, especially since she’s also Scottish. We laughed nervously and said what a coincidence, but everyone was thinking the same thing – that my dog wore it better than she did.

Since then she’s been a real cow towards me, deliberately not inviting me to meetings or giving me good projects and leaving plastic dog poo on my chair. But I didn’t mean to embarrass her. What can I do to show her that?

Yours in desperation,

Dog Day Afternoon

Dear Dog Day Afternoon,

Workplace bullying is a serious and widespread issue. It can cause severe emotional stress for the victim and needs an integrated and holistic approach to be effectively identified, tackled and eradicated.

But to be honest, you probably deserve exactly what you’re getting. Your use of the word “cow” (my cousins) as a derogatory term offends me greatly.

I’m tired and have nothing more to say.

With kind regards,

The Yak