We have a dog called T-Bone, a boxer. I specifically wanted a boxer because of its strength and agility, tight muscularity and rugged, athletic appearance. The way a dog should look. At the dog park, I always felt so proud of how masculine and strong T-Bone looked, especially compared to those silly, poncy breeds like poodles and silky terriers.
But last weekend when another dog came to sniff T-Bone’s butt, what did T-Bone do? He passively lay on his back like a big girl and exposed his soft white underbelly to the other dog with his paws hanging limply and a real wimpy look on his face. I was mortified.
Turns out the wife and kids have been pampering and coddling T-Bone a lot lately so I’m sure this is why he’s turned into a big wuss. How can I get them to treat him with the respect he deserves and turn him into a man again?
Dear Alpha Dog,
To be honest, I think you’ve inadvertently exposed your own soft white underbelly with your question, which a psychoanalyst would find fascinating.
But I’m no psychoanalyst. I’m a highly intelligent long-haired Himalayan bovine commentator and I find your question tedious and self absorbed. You humans, especially males, have a pathological tendency to express your own insecurities through any means possible; your pets, your cars, your power tools, your guns.
I think you’re being far too hard on poor T-Bone. Animals can’t help the way they look. It’s just how it is. Yaks look wise and humble. Horses look disappointed. Ducks look pleased with themselves. Boxers look strong and manly (except T-Bone). You get the idea. It’s nature.
Personally it sounds like you really just want someone to scratch your tummy and sniff your butt. So that’s a conversation you need to be having with your wife. Or possibly with T-Bone.
Hope this helps.
With kind regards,