Loyal readers, comrades and losers,
This is a Yak milestone. Today marks my 100th week as a bovine commentator on the human experience. To mark this significant occasion, I’ve trawled through the archives (not easy with hooves) and selected ten pieces of advice and guidance that you, as a species, really need to hear right now. It might help you understand why you’re in such a mess at the moment.
The Quotable Yak
Wise. Humble. Compassionate.
10. On humans…
“You’re really just lumps of talking meat, genetically programmed to eat, sleep and bonk, living on a rock, hurtling around the sun.”
9. On Dating…
“Dating someone with kids is like picking up from someone else’s saved game. Especially if the kids are rubbish – that’s when the saved game has a really crappy score.”
8. On technology…
“I find Apple and Android phones equally frustrating. As soon as I tap the screen, my hoof just smashes the phone to pieces. It happens every damn time!”
7. On cosmetic surgery…
“Sixty percent of facelift patients are disappointed with the results – despite looking pleasantly surprised.”
6. On older people…
“When we pulled the plug on Grandpa it took him over two hours to die. It was really boring.”
5. On compassion…
“All my life I’ve been a humble and compassionate yak. Now that I own the internet and basically wipe my arse with other people’s problems, I’m even MORE humble and compassionate.”
4. On Family…
“Every family has that one person who, in Medieval times, would’ve been kept in the yard.”
3. On Fear…
“My greatest fear is having to sit through someone else’s boring travel photos. Especially when there might be one of them in their swimwear. Eew!”
2. On global warming…
“The grass is always greener when it’s Astroturf.”
1. On life…
“Life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks.”
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