Asking The Yak

Dear Yak,

I recently bought a pair of trained parrots on Gumnut for my wife’s birthday. A pair of beautiful African Greys. I got them pretty cheap because the owner was moving overseas.

The trouble is, they say some really filthy, disgusting things (way too foul even to repeat in your column, Yak). We can’t really have guests any more. What can we do to “untrain” them?

Yours sincerely,

From The Mouths of Birds

Dear FTMOB,

Firstly, thank you for your kind comments about my column. I do try to keep things in the gutter, so it’s always nice when someone notices.

Regarding your birds – yes I know all about birds saying offensive and inappropriate things. I once owned a parrot that said “Vote Liberal”. As you can imagine, as a respecter of nature and life, this was absolutely mortifying for me. So I made a lovely parrot casserole. That shut it up. I can send you the recipe. And the feathers can be used for decorative purposes so nothing is wasted.

Hope this helps.

With kinds regards,

The Yak

Dear Yak,

I’m 11-years-old and I have an imaginary friend called Levi. He’s really excellent company. But my Mum and Dad think I’m too old to have an imaginary friend. So they’ve started sending me to a shrink. A very expensive one, as they keep telling me.

The shrink reckons I have “social anxiety disorder compounded by acute agoraphobia”. But I’m just shy, that’s all. How can I make everyone just leave me alone?

Yours most sincerely,

On The Couch

Dear On The Couch,

I saw a shrink once. I can’t remember why, but I do remember that I somehow managed to make him cry (which has got to be the ultimate in reverse psychology). But now that I think about it, he did me a huge favour. He made me realise that with my sensitivity and insight and compassion, I’d make a great advice columnist.

But enough about me. Back to you and your boring problem. To be honest, I think imaginary friends are over-rated and certainly not to be trusted. They lie to you, steal your money, read your texts, stare at you while you’re naked or on the toilet, and gossip about you to other people’s imaginary friends. That’s how word will spread that your parents are a pair of uptight, hysterical bed-wetters.

Hope this helps.

With kind regards,

The Yak

Dear Yak,

My Great Auntie Ida is 101. She’s a bit dotty and vague but likes to think she’s keeping up with modern ideas (although she keeps referring to Netflix as “Influx” – she’ll say: “Did you watch that lovely movie on Influx yesterday?”, that kind of thing.

Anyhoo, the other day we were talking about the Australianising of Christmas traditions (like Santa at the beach holding a tinnie) and Auntie Ida said she loves the Christmas Bilby, only she called it the Christmas Dildo instead.

There was a really embarrassed silence as my entire family pretended not to notice. But I laughed out loud. Then Auntie Ida wanted to know what was so funny. My family accused me of making fun of her. But I think their uptight and condescending attitudes are worse. Who’s in the right, Yak, me or them?

Yours sincerely,

Having a Laugh

Dear Having a Laugh,

I hate the word “anyhoo”. People who use it are annoying and deserve to be hoof-slapped.

It sounds like Auntie Ida is the only person in your family I’d care to be stranded with on a deserted island. She’s clearly taking you all for a ride and knows exactly what she’s saying (no doubt fed up with all that condescension and baby talk). Quite frankly, you all deserve to be squirming.

But to be honest, I don’t really care. I’ve just started a new medication and I’m thankful just to get through the day without biting anyone.

Hope this helps.

With kind regards,

The Yak